I got pregnant at 14.
My mom and father of the baby got together and came up with a plan to convince me to have an abortion. Sadly, I believed this was the best for all of us and the people at the clinic said it was only a blob of tissue not a baby. This I soon found out was a lie.
I had to have a 2-day procedure. When I went in 0n the 2nd day, I said I had changed my mind and didn’t want to do it. They said it was too late and I had to go through with it. I was kicking and screaming so badly that the doctor went out. This is when I sat up and saw the tank with my baby in it. I couldn’t believe it was mine since it was supposedly a "blob of tissue." This haunted me for over 30 years. I still see that image.
I had a second abortion at 16 but because the first one was so horrible, I blocked the second one out completely and cannot remember anything about it. I was so depressed, angry, and suicidal for much of my adult life. I didn’t let anyone know the real me. I just let them see what I wanted them to see. I didn’t think God could forgive me so I kept this in a secret box that no one could touch, not me or God.
My time-frames were always before or after the abortion. I secretly wore the scarlet letter A for abortion. I couldn’t ask for help for how I was feeling, I even heard whispers at night saying “mama mama." These were not my living kids, these were from my aborted babies. I did repent of murder but still kept this secret. I felt there was no one I could go to and say please help me.
About 8 years ago I went to a crisis pregnancy center to volunteer and had to go through a post abortion Bible study. It was so amazing that I could FINALLY talk about the abortions in a room with other hurting women and women who cared for me. These women wanted to show me that I could have freedom from this pain, shame and regret,. Freedom from this is a burden I carried for so long. While going through the class I realized that so much of my life was tied to the abortions,
Because of the post-abortion Bible study, I came to realize that I could be forgiven, I could grieve my babies, I named my little boys. We had a memorial and I know today my boys are in heaven and I am free from the shame and guilt.
I will always regret what I did, I still say it is a shameful thing but the sting of pain I had for over 30 years is now gone. Today I lead the post abortion Bible studies at the pregnancy center to help other hurting women like me walk in freedom. I also stand against abortion and do all I can to prevent women and teens from committing this horrible crime.
Once I found forgiveness and freedom I cannot stay silent anymore!